scar tissue.

I found myself binge watching this Netflix show called Full Swing just to have on in the background as I aimlessly scrolled through my phone getting overwhelmed with all the awful things going on in the world.

I’ve maybe played golf twice in my life and my favorite part was eating hotdogs after the 9th green. I’m also not a person who follows anything golf related — but I did catch a phrase I thought was good. Any time a golfer would miss a few crucial swings or putts, they would say that it was going to cause some “scar tissue”.

Maybe it’s a little dramatic and I have no doubt that golf is hard. My toxic trait is watching Tiger Woods swing a club and think to myself, “Hmm…I think I could probably do that after a few tries out at the range.”

Failing to rise to an occasion or in general falling short creates some major internal wounds that just take loads of time to heal. Hell, any awful thing that has harmed you, whether emotional or physical gives you scars. And with time they sort of heal and you’re left with scar tissue. It makes total sense.

I am now removing any golfing metaphors because I don’t relate to any person that lives a relatively cushy life playing golf (not that it means any of their hardships aren’t real — it just ain’t the way my stars have aligned.)

So yeah. Shit.
Things are just too much some days. (some weeks, some years)
I often feel blocked up and a bit lost. My head is often spent over hot flat tops and burners — clearing up the jetsam and flotsam that gets stuck in our sinks after a busy rush.

I think about healing, too.

Most of us aren’t lucky enough to escape trauma and I’m actually unsure there is a living being that doesn’t have it. Whether it is generational or from an ex partner or even parent (and honestly a combination of all the above) and it’s hard to move with that weight.

I also recognize I’m not really qualified to talk much about it, though there are ones I love so deeply that suffer from their wounds and pick at their own scars. It is inevitable.
The thinnest line of reality and our history is rarely ever something we can separate, but past wounds and trauma are always important to pay attention to. Given enough time, we learn ways to heal and help heal others — ‘wounded healers’ was always a phrase I’ve liked.

I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is that it’s okay to take a break from something if you’re unsure how to navigate it. You don’t always have to jump into an unknown and it is worth it to create your own safety no matter the cost.

It’s okay to mourn for the things we have lost and it’s also okay to be excited about change and the inevitable light peaking over the horizon.

Just know that we are all here, fighting for one another’s lives —

placing our own wounded hands on fresh scars while remembering our own selves, like old churches, marked with ruin and redemption.