a billion moving parts.

Sometimes I itch all over.

Maybe for places and things I will never see. Mostly, these days, it is an impatient itch and I feel it everywhere. I feel it enough for it to interrupt my sleep as I wake up sweating, not just from the Southern heat, but because in my dreams I am living with all my memories.

There has been so much that has changed about me. Depending on which life you saw me living, it certainly seems to change from year to year. Maybe I’ve started believing in certain things existing, and other things dying. Maybe life is only about being born. Perhaps living for a short moment, and as though it was a lifetime you cease to be that thing and your love and memories are left with the people you let in.

I may not know my impact on whatever tiny piece of Earth I live on at the moment. No one does, really. That’s hard for me sometimes. I work for things I will probably never see. They say if you’re trying to solve a problem in your own lifetime,  you are thinking too small.

I agree with that.

I am often selfish, though. It happens when you live by yourself and are your own deciding factor. “Yes, I will wear this. It’s not that wrinkled.” And then being in a group of your peers and thinking, “Ah. Yes. Someone should have told me that this shirt was a hot mess.”

I remember my married self, quite often. I believe I had a lot of peace then. A lot of everything really. Who knows how to handle life with another human being that is also strong and opinionated and calls you out when you make them feel bad.

Then, when you aren’t married anymore, or separated from your partner, it is quite literally like picking up all these weird looking pieces of yourself. Your mind. Your heart. Then there’s the things that hold you, momentarily. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Being busy. Watching TV. Eating awful shit.

If I’m being honest with myself, part of my body has still been in mourning for the things I’ve lost. That’s just the kind of person I am. Of course I care what people think about me. Of course you are harsh and say things to me and I take it hard because that’s the kind of person I am.

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My health has been a product of this mess. It’s all felt like a roller coaster, really. This has been the coming down part — it’s really fast, and your stomach is in your head.

The past few weeks have had me digging around a lot of things. For one, I am running four to five nights a week. I’m not good at it. But it feels good. I’ve cut out as many vices as I can for the time being, at least until I can roughly get myself back to where I want to be, physically.

I’m learning that takes a lot of discipline. A lot of saying no. I try to make up an excuse for people, and really all I want to say is, “No. I can’t. I care for you. But not right now. This is for myself and for you to have me in the future. But right now, no. I’m sorry.”

That’s a little too long to say all the time. But it’s true. Generally I am swayed by the numbers, but when it comes to my health, I am trying my best to make better habits. I have to, really.

So, needless to say, this road is quite long. I am impressed at people who have been able to scoop up other people so quickly — but I think I am a little different. And that’s okay. I have a kitchen to feel that adult love with — that rage and that passion. That is where you will find me mostly.

Until then, I am falling deeply into something else. Something that I think is important. Knowing myself, there will be a time where I fall deeply into another thing — into another person. It is easy for me to dissolve into someone. Because of that, I am careful. Because of that, I am hopeful.

There are a billion moving parts out there, and I am something so incredibly tiny.

And that’s okay with me.

 

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2 responses

  1. I like to think of self-care as a way of saying, “YES” to me, not so much ‘no’ to others. It’s a different frame-work that helps excite other people about my decision to care for myself, even if it’s really me saying ‘no’ to them or the old me that they are used to. At one time, I tried to explain … now I just do what I know is best for me, because if the person I’m talking to needs me to explain, then they don’t know me well enough to love me as I am just yet. Maybe they will come around and maybe they won’t, but sometimes self-care means saying ‘goodbye’ to people who cannot or will not help me on my own journey to being whole.

    My favorite meme right now says, “Give those who do not appreciate your presence the gift of your absence.” My new mantra, along with, “It’s just not that serious!” 😉

    It has been over a year now since I left the toxic relationship that was my marriage. I often tell people now (because it’s absolutely true) that I am enjoying being alone so much that at times I feel guilty. But what I really enjoy is discovering myself for the first time in my over-half-a-century life. When you spend half a lifetime with a narcissistic sociopath, you believe you are who they tell you you are. Finding out that I am not that person has been the most joyful, liberating time of my life! That I believed him was sad, but the true tragedy would be if I lived out the rest of my days believing him.

    Find YOU, Josh, and then take the utmost care of him. That person you are discovering (I won’t say becoming because we are what we are, whether we know ourselves or not) is so worth knowing and caring for! Please don’t settle for anything less than that from another person.

    If I learned anything from 28 years of marriage, it’s that I’d rather be alone than in a relationship and lonely. This road to self-care can be a bumpy one at times, but, Josh, it’s well worth it, and I’m right there with you on it.

    Love and Light,
    C

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