billion different pieces

I always want to apologize for not writing enough on this thing.

Or at least it seems that way. After all, writing was my first love and the way I first began to create.

I guess whoever is lucky enough to write and make money is doing okay. I know it’s hard work, regardless. Though it might not beat being hunched over a sink full of dishes after a busy night. You can be the judge of that.

I don’t like to say I’m busy, because there’s always time to jot stuff down — to share a little bit of this and that. The truth is, the things happening in my life are pretty good right now. If anyone is an advocate for sucking up things when they are good, it’s me.

And that’s what I tell other people. Live in the goodness of it when you can, because the world is notorious for slinging sh*t into the fan when you least expect it. When it’s good, live in it. Be thankful for it. Store some away, if you can. You’ll need it.

I woke up to pictures of flooding in Sierra Leone, a natural disaster where thousands of people will never be able to rebuild. That is one of the many hellish things about extreme poverty. Starting over is nearly impossible. My heart breaks. So many people lost their worlds today. I feel that loss in my belly.

With the way the world works today, we are able to witness more pain and even more ridiculousness. Sloppy GOP debates highlighted with Kardashians and global warming.

Maybe a hundred years ago we were all sticking to our corners of the world, for the most part. Now, we see everything, and it all happens so fast. I don’t know if you can process it, but I can’t.

So I choose to dwell in what I can. I walk in the knowledge that I am part of the problem for so many things. I choose to walk lightly however I can. Mostly you will find me thinking about food and how to make my life work better. Which seems pretty selfish maybe, but I do it in hopes that it will overflow into something bigger. I’d like to say I have a lot of space for relationships, but I feel a strain there as well. We are all just busy, yeah? I don’t ever want to fit people in. They are more deserving of time and time is more valuable than gold.

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I don’t know, but I feel a strain. I suppose that is the introverted side of myself feeling it. Feeling all the feels, as I like to say. I’m not sure what to do, so I work hard at creating space for myself and for other people. Not that others should feel a certain way around me, it’s just me wanting to give you a good listener and friend, rather than a dazed, distressed and spotty friend.

I found myself featured in two local magazines in the same month. One for a dinner I helped put on and the other a chef Q&A which I thought was really fun. I had my picture taken and everything. I feel so thankful for all of it.

And it’s really funny walking around places and people saying, “Hey, I saw you in this!” which generally leads me to smiling shyly and covering my face with hands. It does feel good. It also feels crazy. I am surely not magazine material, I tell myself. But it has been fun and I am thankful for the goodness that comes out of it. I suppose the pressure to keep performing the best that I can is even more so, but that’s okay. I put that on myself regardless. I just hope that I can continue doing what I do, for the best reasons I can.

Which is you.
And I know that sounds crazy. But you deserve it.
You also get the worst of me too. I guess that’s how this broken thing works.

Today, in this moment, I feel good. I also feel heavy with loss. There’s a lot I don’t understand. A lot about the world and myself I don’t understand.

But, I will clean my apartment and listen to some good music. I will meet a potential client and talk about wedding food in hopes that she likes what I have to offer. I may share food with others and I will fall asleep to the sound of my fan.

That is what my corner of the world looks like, and it is made up of a billion different pieces.

Now, I’ve got some dishes to do.

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