onward and upward

I feel kind of weird writing about this, because I suppose it’s not something I talk about a lot.

I remember listening to my friends and family who had been through separations from lengthy relationships saying, “Yeah, it took me about a year to start dating again…”

That felt real to me.

To be honest, I thought a year would never come, nor did I think I’d be ready to start down that path again.
So much has changed in my heart. What I want has shifted, as well as an entire world of options laid before me.

There were times where I did the online thing. I still dabble, every now and then.

Then I do the app thing on my phone.

Then that feels weird and I delete everything and feel ridiculous.

I have met some seriously amazing people. I’m more so encouraged that I have some decent social skills. Not that I doubted myself, but I was always so used to being in the background of a conversation rather than being the one initiating conversations myself.

That’s been something I’ve had to work on. Now, I find myself babbling at the person sitting across from me like I’ve been cooped up for years. I suppose I’ve always had a lot to say, but I prefer to listen than to talk in most scenarios.

I guess now is the time that I start pulling my head from under the sand a bit. I’m cautious. I’m sure I will be for quite some time. I don’t really know how to go about this.

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I put a lot of thought into these things because I haven’t seriously dated in like, well, a long long long time.
Being alone has its perks. I’ve learned what things drive me crazy with my own personal habits.

“Who’s been leaving their toothpaste crap in the sink!?”

This guy has.

So I’m a little more aware of my own actions.
I clean up well after myself, usually.
I’ve never had a problem with doing dishes.
I cook nice meals quite often.

Making my bed is a piece of cake, considering its tiny twin frame that only fits my whole body if I lay on my back.

Hear me out. This is not a cry for help or attention.

I am though, considering the motions of all this again. I feel rusty. Slowly gaining confidence of my appearance. In fact, I might just only be fitting into myself a little more every day.

I feel a little silly, so I will begin my conclusion.

Many circumstances are unfortunate. I have gobs and gobs of lovely and sweet things to be thankful for.
So begins this weird, and mostly liberating time of looking beyond that horizon I always think about.

I get a little nervous again.

I am excited for this forward momentum and what it means for the things going on in my tiny world.

As I say to myself and others quite often these days,

onward and upward

and I reckon’ it’s about that time.

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10 responses

  1. It isn’t a cry for attention at all. I’ve been single for coming up 8 years, and dating is a big thing! Getting older (if you count 30 as old), I’ve realised that dating is really just a numbers game, with conversation and social practice as an added bonus.
    They say you should focus not on finding the right partner, but on being the right partner.
    Onwards and upwards indeed 🙂 and enjoy the ride. Good luck!
    (Just promise me you won’t be single for 8 years- you’re dating, that’s definitely one up on me).

  2. I am smiling, Josh. This is good, even if it feels weird right now. Here is my unsolicited two cents. If you go out with someone, have a great conversation, stay out later than you expected, but still say to yourself, “That was nice, but…” please at least consider seeing that person one more time before reverting back to the old standard, “I’m just not ready.” I was *this close* to not going out on a second date with John:)

  3. Dating is just practice, that’s all. Keep it simple, do it if you want, and keep your expectations low. Seriously. A former therapist said “do whatever you want just don’t marry the first person who’s nice to you ” 🙂 Dating is weird the second time around. Trust your instincts.

  4. hey!
    i have few things to tell you..
    firstly, you are not the only one 🙂
    I have had trust issues with people. I have found out that that was all about me. I didn’t trust myself i didn’t like my self enough, so thats why whoever i dated wasn’t good enough for me. I was looking for people, who were untrustworthy. I have understood all these not in one day tough, I had to put myself outside to see the truth about myself. From what you have written, i understood that, you were a lit bit scared to put yourself out there, You know life is very very short. Enjoy all the moments, Secondly ‘online dating’ is good try to be brave and see the consequences. I hoped you enjoyed, thats a very good move.
    p.s: i am wringing all this to you coz i know how it feels when you can not rely on yourself and people. Lets say this is life, but know that you are not alone, and keep cooking nice food 🙂
    have a nice day.

  5. Dating IS just a numbers game, as Joelaine says…but don’t get caught up in those numbers. If it feels right to start dating after a year, go for it. If not, don’t stress. The most important thing is finding out who YOU really are – and it sounds like your journey of self-discovery is well under way.

    Good luck to you, and above all else, have fun!

  6. It’s amazing how much advice is out there waiting to be tossed your way when your experience is not like anyone’s. Every loss is unique and it imprints us uniquely as well. This post is naked with honesty and I feel it too.

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